Trying too hard in love, dating and relationships

Love can be a wonderful feeling when everything is going well. But it’s never that simple, is it?

There will be ups and downs in any relationship, conflicts and compromises – because this is the bonding of two individuals who are both very different in their own right.

Differences are bound to occur and this is another way of making the love stronger. It helps you grow on an emotional level and understand your partner better.

 

The initial stage of dating and trying too hard

 

In dating and relationships, there are many stages. From the initial stage where you’re just getting to know someone to the deeper level of love where you can’t live without that other person.

Today, I would like to focus on the initial stage of dating.

Perhaps, you’ve just met someone in a bar or online, perhaps you have been introduced to this person.

You would like to get to know this person, you like them and in your mind (let’s be honest), you’ve already seen what the future looks like with this person.

Perhaps, you’ve already exchanged a few messages, had a few phone calls and even met.

But then there’s a problem.

Something doesn’t feel right. The messages are inconsistent. This person is regularly making excuses – they do not do what they say they are going to do, they go back on their word.

They are regularly apologising for why they did not get back to you. Sometimes, many days go by and you don’t hear from them. They are not making plans to meet up again. They do not seem very enthusiastic when talking to you. They seem distant and bored. You feel as though you’re the one initiating all the conversations. It all feels… one sided.

Reading the two paragraphs above, I’m sure you must be rolling your eyes and saying, well duh, this person’s obviously not interested in you. Move on!

The issue is… this person doesn’t tell you they are not interested. They stay in your life.

You tell yourself, if I don’t hear from this person in the next 3 days, I’m moving on. Then on the 4th day, this person drops in with a hello. And it’s not a one off. They do this all the time.

They behave in a manner that shows they are not interested and yet they do not say so. They stay in your life and make contact just enough to prevent you from moving on.

I’ve experienced this so many times in my life that I’m here to tell you one simple thing.

 

In the initial stage of dating, if you get a feeling that something is not right, it isn’t. Trust your gut and move on.

 

Believe me, I have spoken to so many guys who I thought was “the one”. Everything looked good on paper but something just didn’t sit right with the way they communicated or the things they would do.

Still, I would go out of my way to stay in touch – this is what I call TRYING TOO HARD. I would make excuses like “I need to make an effort”, “it’s not going to be easy”, “he’s probably busy”, “he just needs to get to know me a bit better then he’ll be more interested” etc etc.

I would justify my “one sidedness” in these situations by coming up with excuses that seemed reasonable in my world.

When you have met someone who seems like a great person, it’s difficult to just walk away and not try – even if you barely know the person. The mind has a way of creating an imaginary world which gets you attached to this person and makes them seem much more wonderful than they actually are. You get stuck in this fantasy and it’s difficult to move on.

Luckily for me, I have been into self-development for a long time and I’ve always been aware of what I am doing. I’ve always known that in order to be happy, I cannot let external events or people affect my state of mind. And despite knowing this, it’s difficult to just move on instantly – it always takes time. I’ve used meditation and my hobbies to help me forget, in some cases forgive and move on. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for someone who is not even aware of this notion.

The most bizarre thing – perhaps you’ve experienced it too – after having moved on and a few months have passed – I get to know things about this person, somehow, that I was not aware of. And it just hits me! Wow, omg, I dodged a bullet! Every single time. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me, that I feel as though someone’s watching out for me. And this brings me to another thing that I would like to share with you from my personal experience:

 

Everything (in dating atleast) happens for a reason. If something works out, it’s taking you towards your path – it was meant to happen to you. If something does not work out, it was never meant for you. Infact, it’s probably for your own good.

 

In hindsight, so many things didn’t work out for me in my life and I’m grateful they didn’t – because if they did, my life would be a mess right now.

Especially when it comes to people. If you end up with the wrong person, things can go downhill very quickly and it’s very difficult to control this. Atleast with other things such as business, you can cut your losses or take steps to fix problems, but you can’t fix people.

 

So my advice to you in the initial stage of dating is:

• The most important thing – listen to your gut. It’s telling you what your eyes cannot see and your ears cannot hear. If you get a bad feeling, something isn’t right. Walk away as quickly as you can.
• Have zero expectations. If it works out good, if not, it was never meant to be. Something better is coming along or you dodged a bullet.
• It should not be one sided because that is a shitty feeling. If the other person is not putting in just as much effort, move on. There’s no need for emotional drama in your life. You are an amazing person and you deserve an amazing person who values you.
• The grass is always greener on the other side. No one is perfect – they may seem perfect on paper and when you start falling for this person, your mind will make them seem more fabulous than they actually are. Do not fall into this trap. You should only accept what you know about this person when you actually spend time with them or talk to them. Everything else is just a fantasy.
• Actions speak louder than words. Another very important point of advice – do not fall for what people say – “sorry, I was busy”, “sorry, I wanted to meet you but..”. It’s easy to lie, but a person will tell the truth through their actions. If they are consistently letting you down, move on.
• When I’m finding it hard to move on, I ask myself this question, “If it feels this rubbish now when we aren’t even in a relationship, what will it be like when we are actually in one?” This instantly makes me move on.
• Don’t get too caught up with people. Keep yourself busy, do the things you love, work hard. If you’re constantly achieving in life and being happy, this will cancel out the negative drama and help you move on and meet the right person too!
• Try not to over-think. Thoughts create feelings. If you keep thinking about why that person isn’t returning your enthusiasm etc, you’ll feel unhappy. So just don’t think about it – let it work out if it’s meant to.
• When you get caught in the trap of falling for someone who isn’t reciprocating your feelings, meditate / put aside some time for understanding the situation. It will help.

 

I’ve also been in situations when someone genuinely liked me and did all the right things. With such people, there was never any guessing about why they didn’t get back to me or whether I said or did something wrong.

Their messages were consistent, they were reliable, they communicated in a way that made me happy, they were there when I needed them and they were respectful. With such people, I never needed to make excuses for them, never felt that my affection was one-sided and they brought more happiness into my life than drama.

I’m highlighting this opposite side of the situation above so that you can see – when someone likes you, you’ll not need to try too hard. It will just flow. And best of all, it will make you happy.

So if you ever get stuck in a situation where you feel like you are trying too hard, cut your losses and move on. It feels nicer to be happy. Find someone who returns your affection and doesn’t keep you guessing.

Have a lovely weekend ahead 🙂 xxx